The exploits of Boris Johnson

You can’t call them achievements. They’re exploits. As in: you’re being exploited by the character of Boris Johnson, a man who is – genuinely – our Prime Minister.

The more you know about him, the more you’re sure he should be in prison.

I fully expect to add to this on an almost daily basis.

  1. Spread the lie about EU law on straight bananas
  2. Spread lie about EU banning prawn cocktail crisps
  3. Invented lie about EU introducing mandatory smaller coffins
  4. Invented lie about EU demanding plastic wrapping around kippers
  5. Lied that 80 million people from Turkey would come to UK if we didn’t leave EU
  6. Then lied that he’d lied about Turkey
  7. Sacked from The Times for inventing a quote then lying about having invented it
  8. Found guilty of misrepresenting facts by IPSO
  9. Sacked from Tory front-bench for lying about an affair
  10. Accused of misuse of public funds, and possibly corruption, because it appears he gave £126,000, for no valid reason, to an American lady he boasted he was having an affair with
  11. Recorded discussing a plot to break a journalist’s ribs and give him “a couple of black eyes” in a conversation with his friend Darius Guppy, a convicted fraudster
  12. Referred to Commonwealth citizens as “picaninnies“, racist term for black children
  13. Described black people as having “watermelon smiles
  14. Forced by Telegraph to apologise for describing the people of Papua New Guinea as “cannibals”
  15. Suggested reinstating British control over former colonies – essentially restarting The Empire
  16. Campaigned to have a deal before we leave the EU, and to stay in the Single Market

We-Love-Europe

  1. then sacked 21 of his own MPs, including the longest-serving MP and Winston Churchill’s grandson, for voting for exactly what his leaflet promised – get a deal before we leave the EU, and to stay in the Single Market
  2. Wrote offensive poem about the President of Turkey, then “apologised” to him by complimenting his washing machine
  3. Questioned the repeal of the ban on producing information about homosexuality
  4. As a journalist, wrote an article scoring delegates to the Labour Party conference on his “tottymeter
  5. Said “Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts
  6. Described gay men as “bum-boys
  7. Said “Islamophobia — fear of Islam — seems a natural reaction
  8. Wrote that the UK must accept that “Islam is the problem”
  9. Referred to Muslim women as looking like “bank robbers” and “letter-boxes”
  10. Blamed Hillsborough on Liverpool fans, then described the victims as “whingeing scousers”
  11. Found to have broken the Ministerial Code by failing to declare income
  12. Said Libya could be the new Dubai if they “clear the dead bodies away
  13. Recited racist colonial-era poem in Buddhist temple, and had to be stopped and castigated by the British Ambassador
  14. At the World Islamic Economic Forum in London in July 2013 said that Malaysian women only attended university in order to find husbands
  15. Got a British Citizen, Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, jailed in Iran because he made a false statement about her
  16. Bought water cannon that are illegal to use in the UK at a cost of £218,000. They were sold for scrap, unused, for 3.4% of their cost
  17. Increased rough-sleeping by 130% when he was Mayor of London
  18. Spent £53m on a garden bridge that had absolutely zero construction done.
  19. As Mayor of London, spent £60m on a cable-car – the most expensive ever built – that has an average of 4 regular users
  20. Claimed he had introduced Oyster cards. They were introduced 5 years before he became Mayor
  21. Falsely claimed he had made serious youth crime fall, when Met figures showed the opposite
  22. Promised £350m a week for NHS, a lie, which the UK statistics authority says is a “clear misuse of official statistics” (at time of writing, owes the NHS £58.7 billion)
  23. Had police called to his house during his actual job interview as PM
  24. Refused to take part in any debates when campaigning to become PM
  25. Said “fuck business” when presented with concerns about Brexit
  26. Refuses to admit how many children he has
  27. He isn’t even called Boris. His friends and family call him Al. Boris is a character he plays for your entertainment.
  28. Broke the law by illegally proroguing parliament to shut down debate
  29. Broke the record for the most parliamentary defeats in a day, then next day, broke it again
  30. Has been accused of 2 acts of sexual misconduct. Entirely coincidentally, he has said investigations into accusations of sexual misconduct were “spaffing money up the wall
  31. Called himself The Hulk because he wanted to appear tough, then refused to take part in a press conference because he might be jeered at
  32. Lied, on camera, about there being no press present when confronted by a distraught father in a hospital
  33. Said, on camera, that claims of death threats against female PMs were “humbug
  34. Days later, denied that he had said death threats against female MPs were “humbug”
  35. His own brother resigned because he said Boris’s government was against the national interest
  36. His own sister says he is “highly reprehensible
  37. Made an undertaking to the Scottish Courts that he would abide by the law. Less than 4 hours later, tweeted that he wouldn’t. So he’s either lying to court or lying to the public.

Climate change

Built of an unsailed warship;
Grown of a door that will now never open;
Made of a cluster of courage unshown,
the oak hangs, ancient, in the orange air.

The summer storm is over now, boiled to nothing by a rage of sun that once warmed me.

By my side Baxter sags back home.
His heart, like mine, is a begging bowl.

But still the noise: within a canopy heavy with wet sorrow dew, rain taps on, hidden from all.

Baxter feels it, and stands askew by my side.

The climate of my life has changed. This oak cracks in the heat, and must remain at a stand.

Weep: it’s our next Prime Minister

Current candidates for Prime Minister are:

1 Boris Johnson

Artfully dishevelled tribunal-magnet whose ego can be seen from Venus. Caught on tape conspiring to break journalist’s ribs, up in court for electoral fraud, and described as the worst and laziest minister in modern history. Obviously: favourite.

2 Dominic Raab

Dead-eyed “shifty colonel” straight out of central-casting, who resigned in protest at his own achievements, and whose remarkably honest pitch is to abolish parliament and become a dictator. Makes 72-year-old Tory youngsters briefly moist, and they love it.

3 Michael Gove

Haunted Pob action-figure with suspiciously powdery nostrils. In a crowded field, also described as the worst minister ever, but is considered relatively progressive because he once grudgingly agreed that burying the planet under plastic bags might damage profits.

4 Penny Mordaunt

Magician’s assistant, working class person’s best guess at what “gymkhana” means, and possible minor Addams Family character. Primarily famous for not being as ludicrous as Gavin Williamson, and her ability to swear for 37 minutes without repeating herself.

5 Andrea Leadsom

Successful conscience donor, effortlessly terrible melted waxwork of Thatcher and – lest we forget – handsomely beaten in the last leadership election by the most inept PM for 100 years, where her pitch was “vote for me, I’m fertile”. Was 53 at the time.

6 Jeremy Hunt

A Picture of Dorian Gray if Dorian Gray was a venomous Murdoch apparatchik bent on auctioning your health to… I’d like to say the highest bidder, but he’s not that competent. Third of the pack to be described as worst minister ever.

I had 7 attempts to type his name in a way that wouldn’t get me suspended from social media

7 Rory Stewart

Undoubtedly the smartest, but still dim enough to join in this fiasco. Has the bearing of a man who phones in sick because he went out in the wind and got a runny eye.

8 Sajid Javid

Feral gonad who ejaculates raw ambition, and will let babies die in a refugee camp to please the Daily Mail. So ruthlessly efficient he reused most of his first name for his last name. The other 3 horsemen of the apocalypse can’t fucking stand him.

9 Esther McVey

Physics-defying vacuum which actually repels ideas. Breakfast television’s loss is also everybody else’s loss.

10 James Cleverley

One-man campaign to disprove nominative determinism, who actually gave up his leadership ambitions when he realised – and you should read this out loud, cos it’s amazing – that he’s considered less capable than McVey.

11 David Davis

Not standing, to be honest, but I listed him to afford me the opportunity to say: David Davis, so good they named him once.

12 Sam Gyimah

Filibustered to block pardons for gay men, filibustered to stop the teaching of first aid in schools, made up lies about censorship in universities. In other words: perfect Tory material, except black and a Remainer, and therefore toast.

13 Matt Hancock

The answer to the question: whatever became of the volleyball from that Tom Hanks On A Desert Island movie? His passport photo is the curtains behind him. His x-ray says “404 error”.

14 Steve Baker

Complacent cyborg created from bits of old psychopath in a socialist laboratory, and designed to say ludicrous things that turn the world against capitalism. Went rogue. Now says ludicrous things of his own devising.

15 Mark Harper

Some are born obscure. Some achieve obscurity. Some have obscurity thrust upon them. For Mark Harper, it’s all three. You will forget Mark Harper exists by the time you’ve finished this sentence.

The winner will be selected by membership of a party that gets more donations from dead people than live ones.

120,000 will be able to vote, or 0.2% of the electorate. Their average age is 72, and 20% of them voted for a different party last week.

The loser, obviously, is you.