The exploits of Boris Johnson

You can’t call them achievements. They’re exploits. As in: you’re being exploited by the character of Boris Johnson, a man who is – genuinely – our Prime Minister.

The more you know about him, the more you’re sure he should be in prison.

I fully expect to add to this on an almost daily basis.

  1. Spread the lie about EU law on straight bananas
  2. Spread lie about EU banning prawn cocktail crisps
  3. Invented lie about EU introducing mandatory smaller coffins
  4. Invented lie about EU demanding plastic wrapping around kippers
  5. Lied that 80 million people from Turkey would come to UK if we didn’t leave EU
  6. Then lied that he’d lied about Turkey
  7. Sacked from The Times for inventing a quote then lying about having invented it
  8. Found guilty of misrepresenting facts by IPSO
  9. Sacked from Tory front-bench for lying about an affair
  10. Accused of misuse of public funds, and possibly corruption, because it appears he gave £126,000, for no valid reason, to an American lady he boasted he was having an affair with
  11. Recorded discussing a plot to break a journalist’s ribs and give him “a couple of black eyes” in a conversation with his friend Darius Guppy, a convicted fraudster
  12. Referred to Commonwealth citizens as “picaninnies“, racist term for black children
  13. Described black people as having “watermelon smiles
  14. Forced by Telegraph to apologise for describing the people of Papua New Guinea as “cannibals”
  15. Suggested reinstating British control over former colonies – essentially restarting The Empire
  16. Campaigned to have a deal before we leave the EU, and to stay in the Single Market

We-Love-Europe

  1. then sacked 21 of his own MPs, including the longest-serving MP and Winston Churchill’s grandson, for voting for exactly what his leaflet promised – get a deal before we leave the EU, and to stay in the Single Market
  2. Wrote offensive poem about the President of Turkey, then “apologised” to him by complimenting his washing machine
  3. Questioned the repeal of the ban on producing information about homosexuality
  4. As a journalist, wrote an article scoring delegates to the Labour Party conference on his “tottymeter
  5. Said “Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts
  6. Described gay men as “bum-boys
  7. Said “Islamophobia — fear of Islam — seems a natural reaction
  8. Wrote that the UK must accept that “Islam is the problem”
  9. Referred to Muslim women as looking like “bank robbers” and “letter-boxes”
  10. Blamed Hillsborough on Liverpool fans, then described the victims as “whingeing scousers”
  11. Found to have broken the Ministerial Code by failing to declare income
  12. Said Libya could be the new Dubai if they “clear the dead bodies away
  13. Recited racist colonial-era poem in Buddhist temple, and had to be stopped and castigated by the British Ambassador
  14. At the World Islamic Economic Forum in London in July 2013 said that Malaysian women only attended university in order to find husbands
  15. Got a British Citizen, Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, jailed in Iran because he made a false statement about her
  16. Bought water cannon that are illegal to use in the UK at a cost of £218,000. They were sold for scrap, unused, for 3.4% of their cost
  17. Increased rough-sleeping by 130% when he was Mayor of London
  18. Spent £53m on a garden bridge that had absolutely zero construction done.
  19. As Mayor of London, spent £60m on a cable-car – the most expensive ever built – that has an average of 4 regular users
  20. Claimed he had introduced Oyster cards. They were introduced 5 years before he became Mayor
  21. Falsely claimed he had made serious youth crime fall, when Met figures showed the opposite
  22. Promised £350m a week for NHS, a lie, which the UK statistics authority says is a “clear misuse of official statistics” (at time of writing, owes the NHS £58.7 billion)
  23. Had police called to his house during his actual job interview as PM
  24. Refused to take part in any debates when campaigning to become PM
  25. Said “fuck business” when presented with concerns about Brexit
  26. Refuses to admit how many children he has
  27. He isn’t even called Boris. His friends and family call him Al. Boris is a character he plays for your entertainment.
  28. Broke the law by illegally proroguing parliament to shut down debate
  29. Broke the record for the most parliamentary defeats in a day, then next day, broke it again
  30. Has been accused of 2 acts of sexual misconduct. Entirely coincidentally, he has said investigations into accusations of sexual misconduct were “spaffing money up the wall
  31. Called himself The Hulk because he wanted to appear tough, then refused to take part in a press conference because he might be jeered at
  32. Lied, on camera, about there being no press present when confronted by a distraught father in a hospital
  33. Said, on camera, that claims of death threats against female PMs were “humbug
  34. Days later, denied that he had said death threats against female MPs were “humbug”
  35. His own brother resigned because he said Boris’s government was against the national interest
  36. His own sister says he is “highly reprehensible
  37. Made an undertaking to the Scottish Courts that he would abide by the law. Less than 4 hours later, tweeted that he wouldn’t. So he’s either lying to court or lying to the public.