Things our leaders believe

What could possibly go wrong?

Our finance minister believes cutting spending is the best way to increase spending, and increasing the deficit is the best way to cut the deficit.

Our banking minister doesn’t believe in regulations that kept banks safe for 80 years, but does believe in delaying any changes that might prevent them from collapsing completely.

Our health minister doesn’t believe in a health service, but does believe in homeopathy.

Our environment minister doesn’t believe in climate change. That’s the thing that even Shell Oil and Texaco believe is happening.

Our minister for social security doesn’t believe there is such a thing as society, but does believe people do better if they have no security.

Our justice minister doesn’t want people to be able to use courts of law.

Our housing minister doesn’t believe in building houses.

Our minister for rural affairs believes in culling iconic animals to save livestock from TB, which is 16x more prevalent in humans than in badgers; but also believes in cutting services that protect livestock from other diseases.

Our policing minister doesn’t believe police are the answer, and wants to out-source their work to private companies.

Our business minister doesn’t believe in investing in businesses, and thinks the best way to help the workforce is to abolish all work contracts.

Our transport minister doesn’t believe in investing in transport, except for HS2, which will only help people who don’t need to use it.

Our defence minister doesn’t believe in keeping a useful army, navy or airforce, but does believe in spending 1/4 of his budget on a weapon we will never use, and which can only be deployed via a submarine we will never own.

Our foreign minister doesn’t believe in talking to foreigners, and is campaigning to leave the organisation that encourages cooperating with other countries.

Our education minister doesn’t believe in organised education and thinks we should have fewer teachers and less funding.

Our media and culture minister doesn’t believe in maintaining our national media, but does believe in media owned and run by foreign nationals.

Our sports minister doesn’t believe in funding sports or encouraging fitness.

Our Scottish office has no Scottish MPs. Our Welsh office has no Welsh MPs. Our Northern Ireland office has no Irish MPs.

And our prime minister believes we’re all in it together.

What could possibly go wrong?